Pain and Love

The epilogue to a difficult election

I used to claim that I am a resident of the nation’s high five (Michigan), but lately I feel like my state let the country down. Despite the disappointment, the painful election results have led me to fall in love with my wife and our nation all over again.  

Let me explain: We wept as the results came in on election night and retreated to our own ways of coping. I sulked and my wife Beata went on a shopping spree. She warned me Thursday morning that she had indulged in some “binge shopping” to deal with her frustration, which was not like her. A couple days later, I got home from my job as a high school social studies teacher to find boxes of books for our young children (8 and 4) about multiculturalism, world religions and kindness. One book was titled, “If I were President” with a young girl featured on the cover. This was the shopping binge?

I affectionately refer to this great group of people as my

"Persian Family." They demonstrate the best of our diverse 

nation. We need to commit to actively fighting against division 

so we can change a culture that  accepts hate as an 

inconsequential cost of American politics. 

Over the course of the next week, more books arrived and the conversations at our dinner table turned to messages of hope and helping others. A child alone on the playground? Invite him to play in your game. A clash of ideas in school? Listen and try to understand, without fighting to be right. If someone is struggling, offer to help.     

My wife decided in her despair that if the world needed to be made better, we should start with our own family and branch out. While I remained in a fog, Beata took action. With grace, she inspired me to step up in my classroom and to hang on to hope that with a renewed purpose, we could overcome the terrible setback of a Trump victory.  

These books and our conversations at home took a profound turn when our son asked us, “Why did people make a bully the president?” and “Can he (Trump) start now so the four years will get done faster?” When our son asked, “Will Trump’s wall keep us from meeting our cousins who live in Iran?” it hit me just how closely he had been paying attention to the hateful tone of Trump’s campaign.

You see, Beata is the daughter of Iranian immigrants. Her parents worked in the fast food industry in the 1970’s and 80’s as they climbed on to the first rung of opportunity in the United States. They alternated shifts so they could advance their education and raise their family.

To me, a white male from rural Michigan, my wife’s parents epitomize the American Dream I never had to think about while growing up. With hard work, incredible sacrifice and an unwavering commitment to each other they made a life that we are grateful for every day. They raised Beata and her sister to be strong, loving and open-minded. Beata has a successful career and my children are blessed with a wonderful mother. My wife's parents have both achieved advanced degrees and professional success. More importantly, they have done so while sharing the beauty of their culture with their family, helping others and embracing people of all backgrounds. My Persian parents are remarkably loving and kind so naturally it hit a little closer to home when Trump promoted the idea of a “watch list” for Americans from Muslim nations. When Trump spoke with brazen contempt of immigrants and fueled hateful rhetoric toward the various groups he views as a threat, the sting was felt in our home.
  

A couple of the books Beata ordered so we could grow love

in our family. I renewed my energy after Election Day by 
looking in the mirror and putting action to my aspirations. Now,
more than ever, is the time to remain mindful and intentional.

This election has reminded me that the fight for good starts in our homes and our communities. My wife Beata moved to Southeast Michigan in 2004, a far cry from Portland, Ore. where she grew up. At that time she was a journalist in Flint and we were just beginning our life together. Beata was living a dream afforded by the First Amendment that her father never had the luxury of enjoying in Iran. Her father, once jailed for political expression in his homeland, has always been Beata’s biggest cheerleader. He has taught me first-hand about a father’s devotion to family.  

I have been a high school social studies teacher for sixteen years and I use my platform to help students learn American values like equality, the common good and diversity. My mother embraces diversity and she has shown me what it means to help others. Strong women make me a better man. My mom is a resilient woman and there’s no doubt that I was attracted to my wife because of the lessons from my mom.

Celebrating Election Day as a
family. We went to dinner and
talked about voting afterward.

Lessons passed on can live for a long time. I remind my high school students that when hate and division are employed as a political strategy to promote “otherness” that it is not enough to simply understand that it is wrong. It is our civic duty to push back against hate. Speak out. Be heard. Hillary Clinton, Khizr Khan and Michelle Obama modeled how to stand up to hate.

That discomfort felt in the pit of your gut when you confront bigotry or sexism is a sign that plenty of challenging work needs to be done. Beata helps me resist the temptation to be dismissive or to let up on the vision of America we have for our children. Privilege may afford some people a lack of understanding and this election has brought that to light on a grand scale. We need to acknowledge truths and have those difficult conversations. No matter our political leanings, empathy is the key to making the world a better place. Well, empathy and a strong commitment to helping others.  

My own family from rural Michigan has strong ties to the Democrat party and community activism. My grandfather served as a Marine and was wounded on Iwo Jima in WWII. He is my hero and he taught us about compassion and love for community. My grandfather, a patriot, fought to advance American progress so that we might live in a nation capable of appreciating the patriotism of my my Persian family, and the millions of others like them who make the United States special.    

My lifeline of support growing up. That's me - the youngest child to the right 
in my mom's lap. My family lives their values and do not preach about them.  

They help others, work hard and motivate me to strive to be a better person.

At the moment, I can’t help but feel bad about reassuring my Persian family in Oregon that Michigan would deliver and Hillary would be our president. After all, Hillary stands for so many of the values and ideas ideas we embrace as part of our national fabric. I was swept up in my excitement that Michigan would join with millions of voters representing different races, ethnicities, religions and sexual orientations to shatter the glass ceiling and make her our president. I failed to realize that our brand of patriotism was not necessarily understood by others.

I was reminded by level-headed friends who voted for Trump that fear can be a strong force to overcome and love needs people willing to fight vigorously for the cause. Beata has compelled me to share the story of love, devotion and hard work that has been her family's experience in hopes others will embrace the diverse America we love so deeply.

In defeat, we have come together to celebrate the promise of uniting people. Our nation will benefit from some measure of optimism and kindness. Beata’s intentional acts to teach our children how to love inspires me to deliver on the promise of our country.

We are just getting started.

Elevate your voice

Click to access the Huffington Post published version of my open letter 

A nasty election is a pitiful excuse to stop caring

A letter to high school students and first-time voters that everyone should read. 

To my high school students,

I am deeply concerned about the consequences this election may have on your view of American democracy, and I want to offer you a new perspective.

First of all, I will enthusiastically cast my ballot Tuesday along with millions of Americans. No matter the amount of effort involved, I always look forward to voting. Do not confuse election fatigue with the awesome responsibility to vote.

Your tired expression in class when we talk about this election makes sense to me. You may think I am obligated as your teacher to be a cheerleader for democracy. That’s not the case. I hope that you will want to vote. Our nation is held together by our commitment to progress. Voting is a sacred pact we make with past and future generations. My sincerity alone isn’t enough for my message to get through to all of you so please give this letter a read in its entirety. Consider your stake in all of this.

A Fixed Mindset is Dangerous

The negativity surrounding this election has left a lot of you feeling that our problems are so enormous that failure is inevitable. You are not alone. Pessimism drives this fixed mindset about American politics and ultimately it weakens our democracy.  

People with a fixed mindset believe that the chances of success within our political system are unlikely and predetermined. Some of you have told me that you think our presidential candidates represent a system that is broken beyond repair. To your credit, there is plenty of evidence to suggest you may be right. The influence of special interests and the breakdown of compromise in the national government makes it appear unlikely that things will improve.

Subscribing to a fixed mindset, even though it may be rational, ignores the legacy of who we are as Americans. A fixed mindset is a contradiction to our achievements and it is dangerous to our American way of life. Naturally, it is difficult to advance progress while simultaneously whining about the election process. The negativity surrounding this election may give you the false impression that American democracy is stagnant, incapable of improving. Nothing could be further from the truth.  

Throughout the nation, people are having civilized conversations about real concerns - healthcare, the cost of college, jobs and law enforcement relationships with citizens. Elections are fiery, but it is in the day to day where you find the real pulse of democracy in the United States. Like you, I am concerned about the intolerance displayed in this election and I am hopeful we can find a better normal. Sell-outs and frauds mope around and incessantly complain without taking action. Traditionally, people who care take action in positive ways by joining volunteer groups, going door to door to share ideas or speaking at town halls coast to coast.

Public expression may not be your thing yet, but there is one thing we all get to do eventually - we get to vote.

We discuss current issues in class because you need to be ready to vote. Casting your vote for someone is a risk worth taking. And yes, as many of you have reminded me, sometimes casting your vote is also about protecting American values and voting against a candidate.  

The demographic you will soon join (18-29 year olds) had less than 20% voter turnout in the 2014 national elections. I fear we may lose even more young voters to a fixed mindset after this election cycle. The negativity some students now associate with the presidency - the most esteemed office in the nation - concerns me. The new president-elect will have an awesome challenge to lead our nation and help restore faith in our political process. In order to maintain confidence in the political institutions that have served the United States for more than two centuries more people need to vote. In order to effectively change how we do politics in this nation, people need to take action. Be heard.  

When you weigh the accomplishments of American democracy against your Twitter feed here and now, it makes sense that you have concerns. I share many of your concerns.

You tell me that since you can’t vote yet there’s no sense in getting involved in the process of analyzing the candidate positions or supporting ideas. You're skeptical about a process that you view as mean-spirited. You report that you are frustrated that it is difficult to understand issues when the media fails to distinguish between fact and fiction.

I get it. The massive amount of information at your disposal is more of a blessing than a curse. You have to work harder to navigate through all the bias, but this is the perfect time for you to explore different political philosophies, ask questions and develop opinions about the country you want. Take advantage of the lessons this campaign is providing and give yourself permission to change your mind as you go. The ability to change your mind in the face of new information is a sign of intellect and strength.

This is an ideal time for you to share your ideas and gain inspiration by learning from great thinkers. The greats come from all walks of life (academic, philosophy, religion, art, music, acting, poetry, etc.) and their ideas stretch the vast political spectrum. Pay close attention because great thinkers may be closer to you than you realize. Learn from people who do not share your opinions and background. Find credible ways to sort through the issues because democracies are not designed to simply favor the noisiest people.

Your voice can influence the political process in several ways, and your vote will be the most significant. Our democracy depends on votes.  

Passionate Debate Strengthens the United States of America

Passionate debate about the role government should play in people’s lives helps us forge our national identity. Elections help us chart our path with some direction. This election cycle has been unique in many regards, but the passionate fight for ideas is not new. Disputes about ideas and strong-willed opposition in the public arena is healthy and that lesson should not be lost in light of this election season. Granted, you may not be inspired by the current candidates, but leave open the possibility that hope exists.

Above the Lincoln Memorial, it reads:

IN THIS TEMPLE 

AS IN THE HEARTS OF THE PEOPLE 

FOR WHOM HE SAVED THE UNION 

THE MEMORY OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN 

IS ENSHRINED FOREVER. 

President Abraham Lincoln (R) only secured about 40% of the nation’s vote in 1860 and he is revered by Democrats and Republicans. President Franklin D. Roosevelt (D), regarded by many historians as one of the best presidents in our nation’s history, still missed out on 40% of the country’s vote in 1932. History validates great leaders and that possibility will exist for our next president too.  

Difficult circumstances often reveal the strengths of our political process. Advancing our imperfect nation in the wake of the War of 1812, the Civil War and slavery coincided with intense debate. Recovering from the Great Depression, two World Wars and the more recent 2008 financial crisis involved suffering from Americans, not just members of one political party or a specific ideology. We persevere and the clash of ideas fuels American progress.

It is also true that our government has promoted the disenfranchisement of people (African Americans and Native Americans for instance) and at times, we continue to fall short on the promises of justice, equality and promoting the common good. The United States government has enacted harmful policies (racial segregation and internment camps for Japanese Americans for instance) and engaged in dishonest behaviors.

Our history should serve as a painful reminder that we need all voices at the table so we can do better. This includes you. Your voice is needed so we can better fulfill the promise of the United States. Our national failures and misdeeds should serve as motivation for you to amplify your voice, not sit out.

Democracy is Messy & Elections have Consequences

The American government has improved the lives of Americans. Criticism when government fails should be met with ideas for improvement. Election results express the direction voters want for our nation and the process can be invigorating, tiring and messy all at the same time. Facts and evidence should outweigh political party loyalty and that alone can get confusing.

Unlearning a fixed mindset about American politics requires a fresh perspective. There’s no one better equipped to bring new ideas and new expectations to the political process than young people. People who choose to remain ignorant are a cancer to a healthy democracy.

Like you, I am also frustrated by politics lately. I just don’t want your dissatisfaction to serve as an excuse to give up. I agree that special interests have too great a role in our political system. I also value honesty and civility among candidates and I hear you -  the Electoral College and two-party system both have glaring weaknesses. The issues you raise in class make sense, but they are not reasons to throw in the towel.

The Capitol, Washington DC 

Misguided frustration leads some people to sit out. The notion that refusing to vote is a useful form of protest is purely foolish.

Popular American essayist David Foster Wallace summed it up well when he wrote, “...stay home if you want, but don't bulls#!it yourself that you're not voting."

He added, "In reality, there is no such thing as not voting: you either vote by voting, or you vote by staying home and tacitly doubling the value of some diehard’s vote.” (Wallace, Up, Simba! Rolling Stone, 2000)

Right now you have the luxury of rationalizing your lack of interest in this election because you are young. The time for justifying a choice to remain clueless is running out. Pretty soon you will not be answering to your government teacher. Instead, it might be a classmate serving in the military or your own children who will be living with the decisions you didn't make. Whatever your level of interest today, keep in mind that apathy has never advanced American progress.

Never.

Generations of Americans struggled for the right to vote and their persistence in the face of incredible odds is the catalyst for my enthusiasm. By placing my trust in an election system that is free of violence and gives everyone an equal voice, I am elevating my voice with my vote.  

I am calling on you to stamp out pessimism, get informed and amplify your voice.

We get the opportunity to express our love for this country by voting in free democratic elections and soon you will have the privilege to vote. With all my heart, I want you to be prepared and most of all, I want you to vote.

Sincerely,

Mr. Gregory

* A pdf version of this letter (2 pages total) can be e-mailed to you upon request. Use the comment section or my email address to make your request.